And now, just when you thought America couldn’t out-do itself … introducing: David Petraeus Sexcapade 2012, which some say truly takes the cake when it comes down to a convoluted plot even more confusing that LOST.
Gen. David “Mac Daddy” Petraeus
So without further ado, let’s break it down, shall we:
Meet CIA Director David Petraeus, the man who knows the nation’s biggest secrets. On his way up the military ladder he meets Paula Broadwell, a writer who becomes so enthralled with the General she’s like all “You’re so interesting, I totes wanna write a book about you.”
So she does.
Over the course of a year, the pair – who are both married – develop a relationship that raises eyebrows among Petraeus’ staff.
When Petraeus takes over as head of the U.S. Central Command at MacDill Air Force in Tampa, he meets Jill Kelley, a socialite who locals dub Tampa’s Kim Kardashian.
Paula “Cyber Stalker” Broadwell
At some point, Kelly begins to receive threatening emails, accusing her of getting “too close” with Petraeus… Basically: A ‘I have my eye on you, so knock it off’ warning.
The socialite tells her FBI agent buddy – ID’d as Frederick Humphries – about the emails because she feels threatened.
THAT spawns off an investigation, which ultimately uncovers several BOMBSHELLS:
1 – “Cyber stalker” Paula Broadwell is behind the harassment.
2 – 10,000 pages of email exchanges described as “sexual” and “inappropriate” between the whistle blower and General John Allen, a top commander in Afghanistan, arise out of nowhere.
Jill “Military Groupie” Kelley
3 – That FBI agent, Frederick Humphries, well investigators find a shirtless photo he sent Jill Kelley during their communication. He also gets blackballed after becoming “obsessed” with the case.
4 – And finally… the biggest revelation: the affair between Petraeus and Broadwell
And now EVERYONE is under investigation. Who needs daytime soaps when there is CNN. You’re welcome. America.